Are you having a ruff day? Then, paws what you’re doing and brighten your day with these dad jokes about dogs that’ll leave you barking for more! Since dogs are a man’s best friend, you’ll be able to impress anybody with these paw-some dog jokes and dog puns. So, let’s raise the woof with these funny dog jokes!
Dog Jokes Question & Answers
Q: What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A: A Labracadabrador.
Q: What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?
A: They get their masters.
Q: How are a dog and a marine biologist alike?
A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
Q: What’s more amazing than a talking dog?
A: A spelling bee.
Q: Why did the Dachshund have to sit in the shade?
A: Because it was a hot dog.
Q: What’s a dog’s favorite drink during the fall?
A: Pugkin spice lattes!
Q: What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A: A Bloodhound!
Q: What breed of dog loves to take a bath?
A: A shampoodle.
Q: What kind of dog can jump as high as a tall building?
A: Any kind. A building can’t jump!
Q: How does a dog stop a VCR?
A: It presses the “paws” button!
Q: Why did the cop give the dog who gave birth on the side of the road a ticket?
A: Because she was littering!
Q: Why can’t dogs remember where they park their car?
A: They usually park at the barking lot.
Q: What’s better than a spelling bee?
A: A talking dog!
Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
A: Ruff! Ruff!
Q: How do you stop a dog from barking in your front yard?
A: Put him in your backyard!
Q: What kind of dog keeps the best time?
A: A watchdog.
Q: What did the dog say when he went to the dentist?
A: “I think one of my canines is getting loose!”
Q: What kind of dog wears contact lenses?
A: A cock-eyed spaniel.
Q: Why do dogs run in circles?
A: Because it’s too hard to run in squares.
Q: What kind of dog chases anything red?
A: A bulldog.
Q: What’s a dog’s favorite movie?
A: Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone!
Q: Where do dogs like to surf?
Q: What do you call a frozen dog?
A: A pup-sicle.
Q: What do dogs call their parents?
A: Dog-ma and paw.
Q: What do you call a dog who picks a lock?
A: A corg-key!
Q: What’s a pup’s favorite action flick?
A: Jurassic Bark!
Q: What do dogs eat at the movies?
A: Pup-eroni pizza and pup-corn!
Q: What excuse did the dog give his teacher?
A: Dad, come onnnnn. Dogs don’t do homework! They don’t even go to school! Maybe you should’ve paid more attention in class.
Q. Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
A. Because they have two left feet!
Q. How do dog catchers get paid?
A. By the pound!
Q: What do chemists‘ dogs do with their bones?
A: They barium!
Q: Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
A: Because you can’t bury them in trees!
Q: What do you call a dog picnic?
A: A Bark-B-Q!
Q: Where do dogs go when their tail falls off?
A: The re-tail store.
Q: Did you see the dog’s new outfit?
A: It was quite fetching!
Q: How are we doing with these dog puns?
A: Some of them are ruff. But a few of them have paw-tential!
Q: What did the dog say to its Valentine?
A: I’m mutts about you!
Q: What did the Dalmatian say after eating dessert?
A: “Man, that really hit the spot!”
Q: Why did the dog go to the club?
A: He wanted to paw-ty and raise the woof!
Q: What did the dog say to his sad friend?
A: “Did you have a ruff day? Let me paw you a drink!”
Q: What did the dog say to his landlord?
A: “I think we need to renegotiate the terms of my leash.”
Q: What do you call a bad dog?
A: A little ruff around the edges.
Q: Why was the puppy party so loud?
A: They turned up the sub-woof-ers!
Q: What’s a dog’s favorite band?
A: The Beagles!
Q: Why did the dog go to the bank?
A: To make a de-paws-it.
Q: What’s a dog’s favorite activity to do in school?
A: Lab reports!
Q: What did the dog say to his nagging boss?
A: I told you I’d get it done on time, quit hounding me!
Q: What did the dog say to his shy friend?
A: “You never stand up for yourself! You just roll over!”
Q: What did the celebrity dog say when someone took his photo?
A: “Sorry, no pup-arazzi please!”
Q: Why should you be cautious when it’s raining cats and dogs?
A: If you’re not careful, you could step in a poodle!
Q: What was the sale this week at the pet store?
A: Buy one dog, get one flea!
Q: Why should you have a dog by your side always?
A: Because anything is paw-sible!
Q: What do you call a cold dog?
A: A Chilli Dog.
Q: What do you call a black Eskimo dog?
A: A dusky husky!
Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?
A: The collie wobbles!
Q: Did you hear about the dog who couldn’t stop talking like a horse?
A: It was a dog and pony show.
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a calculator?
A: A best friend you can really count on!
Q: What did the skeleton say to the puppy?
Q: Why did the dog need help on his Pros and Cons chart?
A: He was CON-fused!
Q: What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Q: What do you get when you cross a race dog with a bumblebee?
A: A Greyhound Buzz.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?
A: Dingo Starr!
Q: What do my dog and my phone have in common?
A: They both have collar I.D.
Q: What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A: A golden receiver!
Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Q: Why did the dog cross the road?
A: To get to the “barking” lot!
Q: How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
Q: What’s the quietest breed of dog?
A: A hush puppy!
Q: What breed of dog tells off-color jokes?
A: A smutt.
Q: What do you call a dog falling from a great height?
A: A chihuahu–aaaargh!
Q: What goes tick–tock woof-woof?
A: A watchdog.
Q: What’s a dog’s favorite kind of pizza?
Q: Did you hear about the dog who ate nothing but garlic?
A: His bark was worse than his bite!
Q: Did you hear about the dog who went to see the flea circus?
A: He stole the show!
Q: What’s round and green and chases sheep?
A: A melon-collie!
Q: What should I call my new robot puppy?
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a film studio?
Q: What do you give a sausage dog with a fever?
A: Mustard – it’s the best thing for a hot dog!
Q: Why did Scooby-Doo leave Mystery Incorporated?
A: The work was too ruff!
Q: What do you call dogs who did up ancient artifacts?
Q: Who delivers your dog’s Christmas presents?
A: Santa Paws!
Q: How do dogs train their fleas?
A: From scratch!
Q: Why did the boy take his dog to a watchmaker?
A: It had ticks!
Q: Why should you be careful when it’s raining cats and dogs?
A: You might step in a poodle!
Q: What kind of dog comes from Asgard and wields a mighty hammer?
A: A Labra-Thor!
Q: What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
A: Hailing taxis!
Q: What is a dog’s favorite city?
A: New Yorkie!
Q: How do you keep a dog from smelling?
A: You hold its nose!
Q: Which dog is very obedient?
A: A Sit-Bull Terrier.
Q: What’s black and white and red all over?
A: An embarrassed Dalmatian
Q: What is the only kind of dog you can eat?
A: A hot dog!
Q: What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster?
Q: When does a dog go “moo“?
A: When it is learning a new language!
Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!
Q: Why didn’t the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it’s not polite to talk back to your paw!
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog and a cheetah?
A: A dog that chases cars – and catches them!
Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
A: He was trying to make both ends meet!
Q: What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal?
A: That hit the spots!
Q: What do you get when you cross a small dog and a large boat?
A: A Ship-Tzu
Q: What dog will laugh at any joke?
A: A Chi-ha-ha
Q: Why are Dalmatians no good at “Hide and Seek”?
A: They’re always spotted!
Q: How can if you have a stupid dog?
A: It chases parked cars!
Q: What kind of dog would you find in a cave?
A: A Bat Terrier
Q: What do you call a dark Eskimo dog?
A: A dusky husky!
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog?
A: A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!
Q: What do you call the sound a dog makes when it’s choking on a piece of its owner’s jewelry?
A: A diamond in the ruff
Q: What is a dog’s favorite food?
A: Anything that is on your plate!
Q: What happens when a dog chases a cat into a geyser?
A: It starts raining cats and dogs.
Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: “Well, doggone!”
Q: Where does a Rottweiler sit in the cinema?
A: Anywhere it wants to!
Q: What do you do if your dog eats your pen?
A: Use a pencil instead!
Q: Why would you be rich if you breed a golden retriever with a poodle?
A: Because you would have golden poos
Q: Who is a dog’s favorite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!
Q: What type of markets do dogs avoid?
A: Flea markets!
Q: What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had some kibble?
A: That sure hit the spot!
Q: How do dogs travel the cross country?
A: They take the greyhound.
Q: What’s a dog’s favorite city?
A: New Yorkie.
Q: Why did the snowman name his dog Frost?
A: Because of Frost-bites.
Q: What do trees and dogs have in common?
A: They both have a lot of bark.
Q: What do you call a dog that’s a bit overweight?
A: A little husky.
Q: What’s a dog’s favorite band?
A: The Beagles.
Q: Why shouldn’t you drop snacks on the floor on game day?
A: You don’t want to end up with a wide retriever!
Q: Who’s a dog’s favorite poet?
A: Especially William Shakes-paw.
Q: Which magazine cover should a beautiful pose for?
A: She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
Q: What’s your dog’s favorite Pink Floyd album?
A: Bark Side of the Moon.
Dog Joke One Liners
Ask a dog what prison is like, and they’ll tell you it’s ruff!
How do three dog turds and three trees add up to ten? Tree and a turd, tree and a turd, tree and a turd.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
There is a zoo where the only animal is a dog. It’s a shitzu.
A friend of mine wanted to start collecting dogs. I gave him a couple of pointers.
A local dog gave birth at the side of the road. She got fined for littering.
Mistakes happen. No need to terrier-self up about it.
I used to have a dog who liked red wine. He was a Bordeaux collie.
I know another dog who goes and sits in the corner every time the doorbell rings. He’s a boxer.
Local dog barks at everyone. He’s a crossbreed.
My dog keeps barking every time there is someone at the door. Don’t know why, it’s almost never for her.
Got me a robot puppy. Dogmatic.
I called my dog Blacksmith. Every time I opened the door, he made a bolt for it.
I went to the Isle of Dogs once. Apparently, it’s the best friend of the Isle of Man…
My friend said he once threw a stick two miles and his dog still brought it back… Seems a bit far-fetched to me!
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween and now he won’t come when I call him.
Talking Dog Jokes
A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender straight in the eye and says, “Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? Amazing, right? How about a drink?”
The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Sure, the toilet’s right around the corner.”
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.” The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Long Dad Jokes About Dogs
One weekend morning, a wife says to her husband, “We’ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.”
Her husband replies, “Well, lots of dogs can do that.”
The wife responded, “But we’ve never subscribed to any!”
A man takes his Bulldog to the vet and says “My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?”
The vet thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well, let’s have a look at him.” The vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. At long last, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Just because he is cross-eyed?”
“No, because he is really, really heavy.”
On the door of the general store, a customer noticed the sign reading, “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” He carefully entered the store, but once inside all he saw was a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.
The stranger could not help but be amused. “That certainly does not look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
A burglar is sneaking through this house one night when out of the darkness comes a voice: “I can see you, and Jesus can, too.”
The burglar freezes in his tracks and is too frightened to move. He waits a few moments and nothing more happens, so he moves forward. Again from the darkness comes the voice: “I can see you, and Jesus can, too.” The burglar is petrified and too frightened to move a muscle.
After 30 minutes, he decides to do something. He backs very slowly and tentatively to the wall and feels around for a light switch. He switches on the light and there in front of him sits a cockatoo in a cage, who says, “I can see you, and Jesus can, too.”
Greatly relieved, the burglar sighs, “It’s just a cockatoo.”
The cockatoo looks at the burglar and says, “I might be just a cockatoo, but Jesus is a big Rottweiler.”
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”
I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and rollover.
The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: “Danger! Beware of Dog!” Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor. “Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?” he asks the owner. “That’s him,” comes the reply. “He doesn’t look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?” “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
Short Dog Jokes
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
The dogs next door get a little noisy, so one day somebody called animal control to complain. When the officers arrived, I heard my neighbor tell them, “Hey, dogs bark. It’s human nature.”
A friend’s dog just got a place in a canine display team. It wasn’t easy, he had to jump through hoops to get it.
I saw a sign on the shop door that said ‘Guide Dogs Welcome’. I walked in and was greeted by a Labrador who thanked me for shopping and took my coat
Celebrity Jokes About Dogs
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. — Jay Leno
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. — Rita Rudner
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them. — Harry Hill
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers. — Rodney Dangerfield
My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum… — Elayne Boosler
A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger; my first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again. — Joan Rivers
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. — Dave Barry
You might be a redneck if… you’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. — Jeff Foxworthy
I’m fond of pigs… dogs look up to us… cats look down on us… pigs treat us as equals. —Winston Churchill
What Do You Think?
What do you think about these dog-gone dad jokes about dogs? Did you like these dog jokes? If so, then thanks fur reading! Here’s your perfect op-paw-tunity to let us know what you think by commenting below! Have any good dog jokes to share?