Ready to spread some holiday cheer with these clean funny jokes about Christmas? We guarantee these funny Christmas jokes will make you “ho ho ho” like a certain jolly old elf and bring in the holiday spirit. From kid’s jokes Christmas to Santa jokes, these jokes will add an extra dose of holiday cheer. So gather the group around; it’s time to spread the joy!
1. What do you call Santa living at the South Pole?
A lost clause.
2. What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?
You get Tinsil-itis!
3. What do you call Santa when he takes a break?
Santa Pause.
4. What’s the weather report ever Christmas Eve?
There’s a 100 percent chance of reindeer.
5. Why don’t you ever see Santa Claus in the hospital?
Because he has private elf care.
6. Why does Santa always enter through the chimney?
Because it soots him.
7. What does Christmas and weirdo’s have in comman?
Fruitcake.
8. What did you get for christmas?
I got fat.
9. What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?
Stick with me and we’ll go places!
10. What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
The letter “Y!”
11. What is an elf’s favorite sport?
North-pole vaulting.
12. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping!
13. What happened to the thief who stole a Christmas calendar?
He got 12 months.
14. What does an elf study in school?
The elfabet.
15. What does Santa suffer from whenever he gets stuck in a chimney?
Santa Claustrophobia.
16. How do sheep wish each other happy holidays?
Merry Christmas to ewe.
17. What does Mrs. Claus says to Santa when there are clouds in the sky?
It looks like rain, deer.
18. What do snowmen take when the sun gets too hot?
A chill pill.
19. What should you give your parents at Christmas?
A list of what you want.
20. Who delivers Christmas presents to elephants?
Elephanta Claus.
21. How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He refers to his calen-deer.
22. Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snowbank.
23. What do you call a greedy elf?
Elfish!
24. Why wouldn’t the Christmas tree stand up?
It had no legs.
25. What did one snowman say to another snowman?
You’re cool.
26. What is every parent’s favorite Christmas carol?
Silent Night.
27. What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
28. What kind of music do elves like?
“Wrap” music.
29. How much did Santa’s sleigh cost?
Nothing! It was on the house.
30. What do you get if you mix a vampire with a snowman?
Frostbite!
31. What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
The abdominal snowman.
32. What snack should you make for the Snowman Holiday Party?
Ice Krispy Treats.
33. What does an elf work on after school?
His gnomework.
34. What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
35. Why did the little boy bring his Christmas tree to the hair salon?
It needs a little trim.
36. Why didn’t the tree get a present?
He was knotty.
37. What does Tarzan sing and Christmas?
Jungle Bells!
38. Why does Santa have a garden?
So he can hoe, hoe, hoe!
39. Why did the dog hand up to his stocking at Christmas?
He was waiting for Santa Paws.
40. Why is it always cold during Christmas?
Because it’s in Decembrrrrrrrrr!
41. How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
He was hooked on trees his whole life.
42. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
Because he had very low elf esteem.
43. What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat?
Hits a gnome and runs.
44. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
45. Why did Frosty ask for a divorce?
His wife was a total flake.
46. Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much?
Because every single buck is dear to him!
47. What do you get when you cross a duck with Santa?
A Christmas quacker.
48. What’s Santa’s favorite snack food?
Crisp Pringles.
49. How do you help someone who’s lost their Christmas spirit?
Nurse them back to elf.
50. What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can’t hear you!
51. What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
52. What do you call a blind reindeer?
I have no eye deer.
53. What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
Rude-olph.
54. How is Christmas exactly like your job?
You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
55. What’s every elf’s favorite type of music?
Wrap.
56. What do you call a scary-looking reindeer?
A cari-boo.
57. What’s the absolute best Christmas present?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
58. What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke?
This one’s gonna sleigh you!
59. What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas?
It’s finally Christmas, Eve!
60. How do you know when Santa’s around?
You can always sense his presents.
61. What do you call an elf that can sing, dance, and has sideburns?
Elfis.
62. Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store?
He was searching for some holiday spirit.
63. Why don’t crabs celebrate Christmas?
Because they’re shell-fish.
64. Why is Santa kind of scared of chimneys?
Because he’s so claus-trophobic.
65. What do elves learn in school?
The elfa-bet.
66. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had nobody to go with.
67. Which body part do you only see at Christmas?
The Mistle-toe.
68. What did Santa say when a reindeer snuck up on him and stuck a tooth in his arm?
Oh, silent bite!
69. Why does Snoop Dog love giving gifts?
He’s really good at wrapping!
70. What’s Frosty’s favorite dessert?
Ice Krispie treats.
71. In what year does New Year’s Day come before Christmas?
EVERY year!
72. What do you get when Santa becomes a detective?
Santa CLUES!
73. How does a snowman lose weight?
He waits for the weather to get warmer!
74. Why does Santa work at the North Pole?
Because the penguins kicked him out of the South Pole!
75. Why didn’t Rudolph get a good report card?
Because he went down in history.
76. How do chickens dance at a Christmas party?
Chick to chick.
77. What do you call a cat on the beach on Christmas Day?
Sandy Claws.
78. Why do Christmas trees like the past so much?
Because the present’s beneath them.
79. Why is Santa so good at karate?
Cause he’s got a black belt.
80. What part of the body do you only see around Christmas?
The mistletoe.
81. Where does mistletoe go to get famous?
Holly-wood!
82. Why is Santa always cast as the lead in the local musical?
Because he had stage presents (presence).
83. How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?
Fleece Navidad.
84. What’s Santa’s favorite candy?
Jolly Ranchers.
85. What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineapple!
86. What do you call a snowman that can walk?
Snow-mobile.
87. What do hip-hop artists do on Christmas?
Unwrap.
88. What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling?
Mistle-toad.
89. What’s a good time for Santa to come down the chimney?
Anytime!
90. What is a bird’s favorite Christmas story?
The Finch Who Stole Christmas.
91. What do you call a sheep who doesn’t like Christmas?
Baaaaaaaa humbug.
92. What do you call a shark that delivers toys at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
93. What are you giving Mom and Dad for Christmas?
A list of everything I want!
94. Did you know Santa had only eight reindeer last Christmas?
Comet stayed home to clean the sink.
95. What do snowmen like to do on the weekend?
Chill out.
96. What’s Jack Frost’s favorite part of the school day?
Snow and tell.
97. What has a jolly laugh, brings you presents, and scratches up your furniture?
Santa Claws.
98. What do road crews use at the North Pole?
Snow cones!
99. Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll!
100. What do elves do after school?
Their gnome work.
101. What’s the difference between Santa’s reindeer and a knight?
One slays the dragon, and the other’s draggin’ the sleigh.
102. What do fish sing during winter?
Christmas corals.
103. What is a Christmas tree’s favorite candy?
Orna-mints.
104. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a dog?
Frostbite.
105. Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
Because they’re Santa’s star bucks!
106. What did the pepper say on its holiday card?
“Season’s greetings.”
107. What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
108. What did the reindeer say to the football player?
Your Blitzen days are over!
109. How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?
His sleigh is flown by rain-deer
110. How does a snowman get to work?
They ride an icicle!
111. How does an elf get to Santa’s workshop?
By icicle.
112. What do snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
113. What’s St. Nicholas’s favorite measurement in the metric system?
The Santameter!
114. Where do Christmas plants go when they want to become movie stars?
Holly-wood!
115. How do Christmas angels greet each other?
“Halo!”
116. What’s red and white and falls down chimneys?
Santa Klutz!
117. What did the peanut butter say to the grape on Christmas?
“‘Tis the season to be jelly!”
118. What do sheep say to shepherds at Christmastime?
“Season’s bleatings!”
119. What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed?
Cookie sheets!
120. What do you call an outlaw who steals gift wrapping from the rich to give to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
121. Where do you find reindeer?
It depends on where you leave them!
122. Who is a Christmas tree’s favorite singer?
Spruce Springsteen.
123. What do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze A Jolly Good Fellow!
124. What cars do elves drive?
A Toy-yoda.
125. How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed.
126. Why did the couple get hitched on the 24 of December?
So they could have a married Christmas
127. How do you lift a frozen car?
With a Jack Frost.
128. What would you call an elf who just has won the lottery?
Welfy.
129. How can you tell a family doesn’t celebrate Christmas?
The lights are on, but nobody’s gnome.
130. What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
RUDE-olph.
131. What do you call a broke Santa?
Saint Nickel-less.
132. What is Santa Claus’ laundry detergent of choice?
Yule-Tide.
133. How does Santa keep his bathroom tiles immaculate?
He uses Comet.
134. What’s Santa’s favorite song by the Ramones?
Blitzen-krieg Bop.
135. Why does St. Nick like the Temptations’ version of Silent Night best?
Because Santa Was A Rolling Stone.
136. Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
137. What do the elves call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play?
Santapplause!
138. What do you say to Santa when he’s taking attendance at school?
Present.
139. What do you call Kris Kringle when he goes on his wife’s health insurance?
A dependent Claus.
140. Why did Santa bring 22 reindeer to Walmart?
Because what he wanted to buy cost around 20 bucks, but just in case it was more, he brought some extra doe.
141. What kind of bike does Santa Claus ride?
A Holly Davidson.
142. When Santa is on the beach what do the elves call him?
Sandy Claus.
143. What’s Santa’s dog’s name?
Santa Paws!
144. What’s as big as Santa but weighs nothing?
Santa’s shadow!
145. Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh?
Because he wanted to see time fly!
146. Why does Santa have elves in his workshop?
Because the Seven Dwarfs were busy!
147. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa Claus when she looked up in the sky?
Looks like rain, dear!
148. What is the wettest kind of animal in Santa’s workshop?
Rain-deer.
149. Why are Comet, Cupid, and Donner, and always wet?
Because they are rain deer.
150. Where does Santa stay when he’s on vacation?
A Ho-ho-ho-tel.
151. Why did Mrs. Claus get mad at Santa?
Because her husband was a flake.
152. How does Santa take pictures?
With his Pole-aroid camera.
153. Do you why Santa’s not allowed to go down chimneys this year?
It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.
154. Why do people get emotional during Christmas?
Because it’s the time when everyone gets Santa-mental.
155. How do you avoid taking down my Christmas lights after the holidays?
Turn your house into an Italian restaurant.
156. What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day?
St. O’Claus!
157. What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Crisp Kringle.
158. What do you get when you deep fry Santa?
Crispy Cringle.
159. What is the best evidence that Microsoft has a monopoly?
Santa Claus had to switch from Chimneys to Windows.
160. What’s the most popular Christmas carol in the desert?
Oh caaamel ye faithful.
161. Who doesn’t eat on Christmas?
A turkey because it is always stuffed.
162. How do you scare a snowman?
Grab a hairdryer!
163. What does Santa eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
164. Where does Santa cash his checks?
The snowbank.
165. What’s red, green, and flies?
A sick Santa.
166. What’s big and jolly and says, “Oh, oh, oh”?
Santa Claus walking backward.
167. Why does Santa have trouble spelling?
He thinks the alphabet has Noel.
168. What’s Santa’s favorite potato chip?
Kringles.
169. What do Santa’s elves learn in school?
The elf-abet.
170. What do you call a cat who works for Santa?
Santa Claws.
171. How many presents can Santa fit in his sack for bad children?
Zero!
172. What did Santa Clause say when he crashed his sleigh?
Well, now I’m really Scrooged.
173. What’s red, white and blue at Christmas time?
A sad candy cane!
174. What comes at the end of Christmas?
The letter “S”!
175. What do angry mice send to each other in December?
Cross mouse cards!
176. What kind of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball.
177. What did the judge say to the angry advent calendar?
Your days are numbered!
178. What’s a snowman’s favorite cereal?
Frosty Flakes
179. Why is Santa so jolly?
He has a really great sense of elf.
180. What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments.
181. What kind of Christmas carols do you sing to fruit?
“Have Yourself a Berry Little Christmas”
182. What did Rudolph say about the big book of noses?
I already red that one.
183. Did you hear about the kid who was scared of Santa?
Claus-trophobic.
184. What is the best Christmas song to sing to your pet rock?
“Rocking Around the Christmas Tree”
185. What falls at the North Pole and never gets hurt?
Snow!
186. What kind of photos do elves take?
Elfies!
187. What do you call an elf who rhyme?
A wrapper!
188. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis!
189. What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws!
190. What has 34 legs, 9 heads, and 2 arms?
Santa Claus and his reindeer…
191. Why did Santa send his daughter to college?
To keep her off the North Pole.
192. Why shouldn’t you mess with Santa?
Because he has a black belt.
193. How do you know Arnold Schwarzenegger is waiting in line with you on Black Friday?
He Jingles All The Way.
194. Which Limp Bizkit song do elves listen to while building toys?
He did it all for the cookies!
195. Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist?
He no longer believed in himself.
196. Why can’t the Christmas tree stand up?
It doesn’t have legs.
197. How does Santa get his Reindeer to fly?
He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
198. What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit
199. Name the child’s favorite Christmas king?
A stocking.
200. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents (presence).
201. What do the elves cook within the kitchen?
Utinsel.
202. What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve?
A pack of batteries with a note saying “toy not included”.
203. What do lawn ornaments do over winter break?
Go gnome for the holidays.
204. What was the three wise men’s favorite Christmas carol?
Oh camel, ye faithful…
205. What do you call a can wearing a Christmas hat?
A Merry Can(American).
206. What do you call a fat bearded man that slides down your chimney in December?
A thief that is out of shape.
207. What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
208. Where do snowmen go dancing?
The snowball.
209. What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
210. How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!
211. What do you call cutting down a Christmas tree?
Christmas Chopping.
212. What is Lil Jon’s favorite holiday?
CrunkMas
213. What doesn’t Mr. Krabs celebrate Christmas?
Cause he’s “Shell-Fish”
214. What vaccination does Santa Claus get on Christmas Eve?
Shingles.
215. What do you call an incomplete Christmas sentence?
A Santa clause.
216. What goes “oh oh oh”?
Santa walking backward
217. What do you call a smelly Santa?
“Farter Christmas”
218. What do you call Santa if he also lives in the South Pole?
Bi-Polar
219. What do you call the wrapping paper leftover from opening presents?
A christ-MESS
220. What do you call buying a piano for the holidays?
Christmas Chopin.
221. What do you call a can that has the Christmas spirit?
A Merry can.
222. Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer!
223. What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
The One Show!
224. What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!
225. What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
226. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!
227. What does Santa do when his elves misbehave?
He gives them the sack!
228. What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!
What Do You Think?
What do you think about these clean funny jokes about Christmas? Do you have a favorite? How about a Christmas joke to add to this list? Let us know by commenting it below!
