Peggy: Mother’s up and walking.
Al: I’ll alert Tokyo.
Woman: Hey! You’re in my sun. I’m trying to get an all-over tan.
Al: Well, you’re asking a lot of the sun.
Girl: With this attitude, you’re going to be working here for the rest of your life.
Al: Well take a gander into the seat next to you if you want to see what your future looks like.
Girl’s mom: Come, Penelope, let’s go someplace where they treat us with respect.
Al: Try the moon you’ll weigh less there.
Woman: I’m not sure if I like this shade of blue.
Al: I’ll tell you what I’ll do then. We’ll stand you in front of a mirror, I’ll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell “moo” and I’ll stop.
Woman: That’s it, I’m taking my business elsewhere!
Al: May I suggest Jenny Craig?
Woman: See, I told you I was a size four.
Al: No ma’am, fore is what you’ll have to yell when the shoe pops OFF of your foot.
Lady: You are very fresh!
Al: No, Ma’am, that’s impossible. Because for the last hour I’ve been trying to squeeze your foot into a shoe when I really should have been easing it into the box.
Lady: I want something to go with this <ugly> dress.
Al: A bubbling cauldron?
Lady: You’ve got a lot of nerve.
Al: I need it to get this close to your feet.
Al: Who called Vancouver? Peg, did your mother get so fat she spread across the border?
Fat Lady: It’s because of guys like that that I don’t wear shorts anymore.
Al: You sure it wasn’t because of the guys with the harpoons?
Al: She came out of the kitchen. Her face was in a jello mold. Her mumu was split so she could fit into it. Peg, she had no knees. So I let him live. I thought it was the worst I could do to him.
Al: Think back when you were little. Roaming the range with the rest of the water buffalo. Scratching yourself against a tree.
Al: People who sell shoes to fat women in skirts should not have 20/20 vision.
Al: A fat woman came into the store and said she was a size 5. I stuck her hoof into the shoe. My thumb got stuck, she panicked, reared up, and galloped around the store, dragging me behind. Thank god a stick of butter fell from her purse and I was able to grease my thumb and escape.
Fat Lady: I want my money back. I’ve worn these shoes only once and they split at the sides.
Al: Let me explain. Just like an elevator, there’s a 2-ton weight limit. How about I just nail the soles to the bottom of your feet to give you added traction while you’re pulling the ice wagon.
Fat Lady: You’ll be hearing from my lawyers.
Al: Is that the firm of Hagen & Daas?
Woman: Mom called. She got on the scale and it said 380. She’s been 374 since high school so she thinks she may be getting fat.
Al: Maybe there’s 6 pounds of food stuck between her teeth.
Al: Wherever a fat woman shoves a smelly foot in a poor guy’s face, I’ll be there. Wherever a guy tries to return a pair of shoes he’s worn for three months, I’ll be there. Wherever kids come in with old shoes and try to sneak out with new ones, I’ll be there, too. Madam, if Shamu ever needs a mate, you’ll be there.
Al: I’m not selling shoes for the money, Aaron. I’m in it to torture fat women.
Al: A woman comes into the shoe store today, so huge she’s protected by Green Peace, and asks for a size 4 shoe. So I ask if she wants to eat them here or take them home. And she has the nerve to complain about my performance.
Al: A fat woman clip-clops into the shoe store today says ‘I want something I can feel comfortable in, so I say ‘try Wyoming!’
Al: A fat woman sloshed into the show store today. Said she was retaining water. I told her not to worry the dam of cellulite should keep us all safe for the next few years!
Fat Model: Oh, no, it’s the police. What did we do?
Al: I don’t know. Maybe we missed a truck scale. But on the positive side, maybe he’ll get me out of here before I turn into a diamond.
Ephram: It’s momma…She’s a little shy.
Al: Of what, a metric ton?
Al: Hey kids, here’s a real funny story. Did you know that while I was in the hospital, Daddy’s nurse was a fat woman who used to come into his shoe store? “Used tois the term because her patronage fell off one day when she came in and asked for something to make her foot look small. So I said, “Try your ass. She remembered me all right. Then we laughed until she picked up a catheter the size of a boa constrictor and charged.”
Al: Guess what happened in the shoe store today.
Peggy: Did a fat woman come in?
Peggy: [sarcastic] Wow! That was a spine-tingler. Much better then yesterday’s “a fat woman walked passed the shoe store.”
Al: So anyway, this fat woman comes into the shoe store and she is so big that she actually has three smaller women orbiting around her. So, I’m trying to force a pair of Size 13 shoes on her Jurassic feet, when she starts talking to me describing how her husband recently left her.
Bud: [sarcastic] Ah, the plot thins.
Al: Pardon me, Son. But let’s see how was your day at work today! So anyway, this fat woman is explaining to me how her husband left her when she reaches into her purse, moves aside a large pastrami sub, and produces two $500 courtside tickets to tonight’s All-Star charity basketball game.
Bud: You mean the ones where they send overprivileged white kids to basketball camp? Hands Across the Suburbs? She gave you these tickets?
Al: Sold them to me for a dollar a piece, which I didn’t have… thank you Peg for picking my pocket again this morning. But I was able to take them from the mall fountain after following her out and seeing her throw them in, as well as the charity mint box. So Jerry Lewis can’t afford Rip Taylor this Labor Day.
Peggy: Al, I have some news.
Al: Oprah got so fat that she finally exploded?
[after the fat and ugly Mrs. Wicker jumbs on Al]
Al: She bit me on the neck, Peg! Now I’ll live forever!
Al: What the hell did that fat boy want a pony for? To put between two giant slices of bread?
Al: A fat woman came into the shoe store today and wanted a pair of shoes to wear to a Christmas party. I told her to stand on her hands, put a star on her butt, and go as the world’s largest, ugliest Christmas tree. Then she has the nerve to get mad at me because she’s fat.
Matilda: [flashback] I don’t understand it. I was a size six before aerobics class. All the jumping must’ve expanded my foot.
Al: And I see you must’ve fallen on your but a time or two.
Matilda: How dare you say that to my face?
Al: Well I’d say it behind your back, but my car’s only got half a tank of gas.
[flashback ends and Shirley doesn’t look impressed by Al’s fat insults]
Shirley: What do you say to that, Bundy?
Al: Well I’d say I used heroic restraint much like the witness’ girdle.
Al: Great! Great! We can still stop her. She’s so big and fat that she can never get through her front door on the first try. Peg, quick, call her. Use Steve’s phone!
Miss DeGroot: D’you think anyone can teach you anything?
Al: Well, you’ve just taught me that even the slightest movement can make a fat person sweat.
Al: A fat woman came into the shoe store today and asked for something to wear for a walk in the woods. Jokingly I suggested a sandwich sign saying “don’t shoot, from the front I look human. Now you think a good-natured, jolly lady like that could take some good-humored teasing, but what does she do? That cow goes and complains to the owner who then gives her a gift certificate for $200 worth of free shoes. Now you know whose paycheck that’s going to come out of?
Al: Demand one, you gals want a ladies night, try having it in the kitchen cooking for a man.
Al: [the men cheered and Jerry rolls his eyes] Demand two, don’t put on a dress and ask us if it makes you look fat, we hate that. Besides, it’s not the dress that makes you look fat. It’s the fat that makes you look fat. [cheering] Demand three, don’t ask us to talk or cuddle after sex, or before sex or during sex. You’re lucky we take our pants off.
[a fat woman is having shoes put onto her at a shoe store]
Barbara: OWW! Your hurting my baby toe!
Dexter: Ma’am. There ain’t a damn thing on your body that’s “baby”.
[a little fat girl named Penelope is trying on shoes]
Penelope: Does this look like pink? I said pink. Pink you bone top!
Al: A thousand apologies, my little carbuncle.
Penelope: With this attitude, you’re gonna be working here for the rest of your life.
Al: Yeah, well take a gander into the seat next to you if you wanna see what your future looks like.
[Penelope’s super-obese mother is sitting in the chair]
Leona: Come, Penelope. Let’s go someplace where they treat us with respect.
Al: Why don’t you two try the moon? You’ll weigh less there.